Services
Professional Design. Amateur Direction. Every engagement is built on our core belief: the person who has never opened a design program should make every design decision.
What we “do”
Premium services for clients who already know exactly what they want, and it's a swoosh.
| Service | What you get |
|---|---|
Logo Made in 4 Minutes Bestseller | You pick the free template. We stand nearby and nod slowly. Includes one sigh, delivered in person. |
| Brand Identity by Committee | Seven stakeholders, nine opinions, one colour palette that looks like a pack of crayons fell down the stairs. |
| Make It Pop™ | A proprietary process of increasing saturation until everyone's eyes water. We also offer "make it pop... but subtle." |
| Bigger Logo Optimisation | The logo is now the entire page. It's still "not big enough." We're working on a bigger page. |
| AI Slop Polishing | Six-fingered mascots, gibberish taglines and a gradient that says "we have no idea who we are." We'll make it vaguely less haunted. |
| Font Roulette | Seventeen fonts on one flyer, including one that's "fun." Comic Sans sold separately, and honestly, a little bit sacred. |
| The Vibe Brief | "Modern but classic. Bold but calm. Like Apple, but with a budget of Dave's lunch money." |
| Emotional Connection Removal | Zero feeling. Zero story. Zero reason for a customer to remember you. Guaranteed, or your money back (no refunds). |
| Exposure Packages | Pay us in exposure. We'll pay our landlord in exposure. We'll see how that goes for both of us. |
Price list
| Arrangement | Price |
|---|---|
| We design everything | $500 |
| We design, you watch | $800 |
| We design, you advise | $1,000 |
| We design, you "help" | $1,500 |
| You design, we "help" | $2,000 |
| You design, we advise | $3,500 |
| You design, we watch | $5,000 |
| You design everything | $8,000 |
| You design in Canva, then say "make it pro" | $12,000 |
| "AI made it, just clean it up" | Ask. We cry. |
Prices increase by $50 each time the phrase "quick tweak" is spoken. Inspired by the sign every designer has pinned to their wall.
Can't decide? Fast, cheap or good: pick two.
The full menu
| Service | Description |
|---|---|
| Brand Destruction | We take years of carefully developed brand equity and make it look like a weekend project. |
| AI Art Direction | Because a good prompt is basically the same thing as twenty-five years of experience. |
| Logo by Committee | We won't stop until everyone has had a chance to make it worse. |
| Strategic Inconsistency | Different fonts, colours and messaging for every occasion. Your brand, now available in forty-seven styles. |
| Unlimited Revisions | Because "I'll know it when I see it" is a perfectly valid creative brief. |
| Deadline Management | We deliver on time, every time, assuming you approve something before the deadline. |
| Brand Guideline Ignorance | We create the rules, then help you break every single one. |
| Creative Direction | You direct. We creatively sigh. |
| Scope Expansion | Turning one small project into six months of unpaid work. |
| Emergency Rebranding | For when the latest Canva experiment finally goes public. |
Engagement models
The Quick Project
A project with an unreasonable deadline. Scoped at two weeks. Delivered in six months. Invoiced at two weeks.
The Simple Logo
"We just need something simple." Includes twenty concepts, nineteen rejections, one return to the first concept, and a request to make it bigger.
The Retainer
A standing arrangement in which you send "one last thing" every Friday at 4:55 pm, indefinitely.
Frequently asked questions
Can you make it pop?
Yes. We still don't know what it means, but yes.
Can you make the logo bigger?
We can make it bigger. We cannot make it better by making it bigger.
Why does the font cost money?
For the same reason the designer does. Somebody made it, and it works.
Can you just send me the editable file?
Of course. We'll also start updating our portfolio.
Do you use AI?
AI can generate a logo. It can't give you a brand strategy. We use it the way a chef uses a microwave: rarely, and never for the thing you're paying for.
How many revisions are included?
Unlimited. Patience, however, is billed separately.